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“I Am A New Person” by Julia Stadeker

I am a new person. I’m not sure really what my future holds or my place in this world, but I am eager and more than ready to find out. The time is 7:19, oops, now 7:20pm on Wednesday February 11, 2015. It is my second semester of freshman year and I want to go running. I want to take off into the cold, windy night and just run. Why? I don’t even like running and it is not necessarily pleasant out at this time of day. However, this is what I have been wanting for a couple of hours and even though it’s not an option, I still want to express it. And this is my way, for now, of expressing it. Putting ideas into thoughts. I remember that is what my friend Daniel Dorbin said to me one day in math. He liked stories because stories are just creative, intangible thoughts in the real world. Once, it is out there, once it’s free…

Its real.  It is no longer imaginary or nonexistent, it’s there and tangible. It can be accessed and thought of by different people.

I don’t consider myself to be a keep-to-myself kind of girl, but today that is who I want to be. I just kind of want to be alone. But not in a bad way, not like I’m depressed like some people may think haha, but like I’m independent. Like I can do whatever I wish. However, I cannot. I am in college and there are meetings to attend to, applications to fill out, homework to continue, lessons to study, professors to speak with, clubs to manage, friends to listen to, family to think about (pray about), a boyfriend to keep up with, my God to…do everything with, churches to go to, letters to write, students to tutor, and plan my life.

Lord, what should I do?

Last week, I have been asking for help, but this week I want to try it by myself. I kinda want to escape… I kinda want to run… Independence sounds so good right now.

Can I? Is that a possibility? Can I even do that? Saying that I want to escape is like telling someone I am going to swim alone in the dark. They will think there is something wrong with me, etc.

I am not truly sure what to do at this point. Perhaps, I am burnt out. I am tired, not physically of course. Can can I just shut down?

Turn myself on autopilot and just let me go? Please… I’m tired of thinking and ready to start a new day, but not tomorrow because tomorrow brings homework.. I now know what some other college students have thought of. I am glad I am writing whatever I am writing.

 

I just, I just needed to turn my thoughts tangible. Perhaps I need a counselor, or just someone to listen. My God listens to everything I say. Without being judged. My God, does he judge me? I’m not quite sure. I witnessed to someone today. Actually, two people. I hope God really uses that seed I planted.

Thinking about tomorrow gives me a headache. Thinking about the work I must do gives me a big headache. I need a brand new day, a clean slate, a new routine. I am tired. Can I be? I am so blessed and I prosper, where did this attitude come from? My mind goes straight to my fingers, now that is nice. But dangerous because if I think of something bad, that would not be pleasant. I am ready to… what, go do homework? No, but I must…

Ahh, but I need to read Jacob’s poem…oh Lord… help me, no one is flogging me and no one is stoning me, but I feel just tired, I’m ready to go to bed Lord. I need to do homework and etc and I have to study. I need to pray Lord, because I’m not really sure what I need to do lol if and when I look at this again, will I think I’m nuts? Let me write a bit to myself then. Dear future me, these are my thoughts at 7:48pm on Wednesday February now. I am tired, but I am still me, still you and don’t belittle yourself. This is you writing so you are crazy, I’m not crazy right?

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