Fiction 2018 / Spring 2018 / Volume 48

A Presidential Candidate—Ellora Bultema

The following is a transcript of a speech intended to be given at a press release for Samson Roth.
As election day rolls around and the candidates get antsy, I know this is the time when
rumors emerge and secrets get unburied. As your soon to be 45th president I can’t help but think
how unfair it is to the voters that you’re kept in the dark. I can guess the one incident you’re all
waiting to get the scoop on. The peanut butter sandwich debacle of 1982, a story from the past
that never got cleared up. But today I tell you the right story… My story.
Let’s start with what you think you know, the big headline that everyone read that
Saturday morning:
Florida Man Attacks Two Women with Knife and Peanut Butter Sandwich
A 34-year-old man from Miami, Florida by the name of Samson Roth was
arrested Friday, December 10th at 11:00 pm for resisting arrest with violence.
One of the woman involved in the attack, Catherine Daniels, reported, “It
was my birthday so I was out with a friend. We just came back from a club and I
just saw this man crouched down in front of my house and it looked like he was
licking my plants!”
Her friend, Jennifer Carson, asked Roth what he was doing and he
responded by mumbling, staggering, and lunging at Carson with a knife and a
peanut butter sandwich.
No serious injuries were reported, although Carson was admitted to the
hospital to receive treatment for her allergy to peanuts and Roth was soon
detained thereafter.
Details about Roth were not provided.
Theories have been postulated: I was tripping on drugs, it wasn’t really me, I was seeking
revenge for a relationship that ended sour. But this is what actually happened that night.
As you know I am a family man, a father of two beautiful children, Mary and Jack.
Throughout my campaign I have instilled my ideals of supporting the arts in education and
creating more accommodating tax cut for a working family in my agenda. That being said the
night of December 10th I was helping Jack with a school project. He’s involved in theater and
needed to make a replica of a dagger for his role as Peter Pan in his school’s play. For which of
course he didn’t tell me we needed to do until the night before.
It was pretty late when we finished and he headed up to bed. I began to do my normal dad
duties: making lunches, cleaning up, doing the dishes. But I heard something rustle outside in the
front yard. Curious yet cautious I decided to make sure everything was alright and indeed I did
bring along with me a half made peanut butter sandwich and fake dagger.
I opened the door and a few feet from my porch I saw a stray cat, emaciated and in need
of a good bath but I saw no danger in approaching it and feeding it myself. I walked out in my
pajamas and the cat was frightened and scampered across the street. I lived in a safe
neighborhood and, again, I saw no harm in following the cat a little longer to try and coax it into
eating some food. I finally reached the cat, sitting in the flower bed of Ms. Daniels home. At the
time Ms. Daniels and I had had little interaction with each other, I had only moved in a month
3
ago. As I knelt down to feed the cat I remembered reading somewhere that feeding cats peanuts
was poisonous. Frantically I began to lick the peanut butter off the sandwich into my mouth so I
could at least feed the cat some pieces of bread.
The article insists I was licking plants, when in fact I was just feeding an animal in need.
I didn’t hear the footsteps behind me and was startled by the shout of Ms. Carson. With
my mouth full of peanut butter, I attempted to announce myself and clear the whole situation up
but I tripped on the cat and ran into Ms. Carson. I wasn’t aware of Ms. Carson’s allergy. The
article states that I provided no detail of the incident which is in fact untrue, I filed numerous
reports to the police to try and clear my name but to no avail.
I wasn’t as so many assumed drunk or “high off my ass”, only a man trying to give back
to his community in anyway he could. This, in addition to the murder conviction of my wife, is
my only wrongdoing of my past and last time I checked feeding cats and fathers’ helping their
sons’ with theater projects didn’t constitute a warrant for an arrest.

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