CHARACTERS DR. LIZ VICIOUS: CEO of Machinations, Inc. Eccentric, evil, and just a tiny little bit unhinged. Pronounces “evil” incorrectly. BEN THE INTERN: Machinations, Inc.’s newest employee. Fresh out of college with a BA in English, just looking for something to pay the bills. YEETBOT: DR. VICIOUS’s trusty robotic assistant. Its main job is to pickup things and throw them away. CHARLIE THE CHAIR: A sentient chair, vulgar. DRAWER DWELLER: A monstrous, ravenous beast. Lives in a filing cabinet. Used to dispose of interns. INSPECTOR DIEZ: Federal lab inspector. She is the bane of all mad scientists.
SETTING A nondescript office building turned villainous lair/laboratory. There are a handful of office chairs and a filing cabinet that stands over a pool of dried blood. There’s a metal table with ankle, wrist, and torso restraints. One ceiling light flickers. DR. VICIOUS has a large, leather chair that is turned away from her desk. A window is broken. There is a shoot in the wall that leads to an incinerator in the bowels of the office building.
The headquarters of Machinations, Inc. is relatively empty, aside for Dr. VICIOUS sitting in her big supervillain chair, turned away from her desk, ready for a dramatic reveal. YEETBOT is standing near the shoot. YEETBOT is covered in a sheet, but its feet are visible. BEN THE INTERN tentatively enters the office space. He is holding a flyer.
BEN THE INTERN Hello? Is this Machinations, Inc.?
The chair slowly spins around, dramatically revealing DR. VICIOUS.
- VICIOUS Welcome to my domain.
BEN The INTERN So this is the place?
- VICIOUS You have responded to my call, I see.
BEN THE INTERN Uh, yeah. I saw the ad on Craigslist.
- VICIOUS Good, gooood… Tell me, what makes you qualified for this position?
BEN THE INTERN Well, I’m not exactly sure what the position is.
- VICIOUS You don’t?
BEN THE INTERN Yeah, no. The ad wasn’t very specific. All it says (Looks at printed out flyer) … Mad scientist intern.
- VICIOUS I don’t see where the confusion is coming from.
BEN THE INTERN The required skills are a little vague.
- VICIOUS How so?
BEN THE INTERN (Reading off print out) Must be evil, have unbridled rage, proficient in Excel, and wanted in at least three states.
Well, I don’t see what’s so hard to understand. Being evil is the name of the game here at Machinations. Also, knowing Excell is very important.
BEN THE INTERN I know Excel, but I’m not sure if I can be evil.
- VICIOUS springs up from her seat, and walks over to the wall shoot.
- VICIOUS Well, if you aren’t evil, then I suppose you have no use to me.
- VICIOUS pulls off the sheet covering YEETBOT, revealing the large robot.
- VICIOUS Yeetbot, dispose of him.
YEETBOT Yeetbot activated. Target located. Preparing to yeet.
YEETBOT walks up and grabs BEN THE INTERN, lifting him off his feet.
BEN THE INTERN Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Wait! Wait! Wait!
- VICIOUS Let him speak, Yeetbot.
YEETBOT But you said yeet?
- VICIOUS Put him down.
YEETBOT sets BEN The INTERN down, and he falls to his knees, grovelling before DR. VICIOUS.
BEN THE INTERN Please, please, please! Don’t kill me! I can be evil, just let me prove it to you!
- VICIOUS Oh yeah? Tell me three things you’ve done that are evil.
BEN THE INTERN Okay, well, um…
You have thirty seconds.
BEN THE INTERN Um, okay, well, I cheated on three exams in college.
- VICIOUS Unethical does not equal evil.
BEN THE INTERN I egged my neighbor’s house when I was twelve.
- VICIOUS Juvenile.
BEN THE INTERN Um… Um…
- VICIOUS Are you trying to get yourself killed? BEN THE INTERN Okay! Okay! I, uh… (Incoherent mumbling)
- VICIOUS Yeetbot, get him.
YEETBOT Yeet! Yeet!
BEN THE INTERN I poisoned someone.
- VICIOUS … I’m listening.
BEN THE INTERN It was in middle school. There was this guy, Kevin. He liked to torture small animals, a real piece of garbage. I, uh, I let him have a taste of his own medicine. I put rat poison in his Capri Sun juice pouch.
- VICIOUS Did he die?
BEN THE Intern Almost. He was bedridden for awhile. I never got in trouble.
- VICIOUS Get up.
BEN THE INTERN gets up off his knees. DR. VICIOUS points him in the direction of a few chairs.
Have a seat.
BEN THE INTERN does, but the chair screams.
CHARLIE THE CHAIR Ow, fuck! Get the hell off of me, you prick!
BEN THE INTERN, frightened, springs up from the chair. He stares, in fear, at the chair, which appears completely ordinary.
- VICIOUS Oh, right. Not that one.
BEN THE INTERN What the hell was that?
- Vicious That’s Charlie. He’s a talking chair. CHARLIE The CHAIR Don’t sit on me again, asshole.
- VICIOUS Charlie, play nice. He is a guest… What’s your name? BEN THE INTERN Ben, ma’am.
- VICIOUS Oh, no need for any of that. I’m Dr. Elizabeth Vicious. Just call me Dr. Vicious, Liz, Supreme Empress of Evil, or Lady Death.
BEN THE INTERN I’ll just call you Dr. Vicious.
- VICIOUS Perfectly fine with me. Please, have a seat.
BEN THE INTERN Won’t… Won’t I upset them?
- Vicious Them?
BEN The INTERN The chairs.
- VICIOUS No.
BEN THE INTERN But don’t they talk, too?
- Vicious Of course not. Making more than one sentient office chair? That would just be crazy.
BEN THE INTERN sits down next to CHARLIE THE CHAIR. He settles down very carefully. DR. VICIOUS sits down at her desk.
- VICIOUS I thinkk you just might make a good fit here at Machinations, Inc. as my newest intern.
BEN THE INTERN Oh wow, that’s great! Thank you for the opportunity. When can I start?
- VICIOUS Right now.
BEN THE INTERN Wait, really?
- VICIOUS Yeah, really. The federal lab inspector is coming today. They’re going to be here any moment, actually.
BEN THE Intern Oh man. What can I do to help?
- Vicious Clean under that filing cabinet.
- VICIOUS points to the dented up filing cabinet, specifically the puddle of dried blood beneath it.
BEN The INTERN (Fearful) What’s that?
Yeetbot That is the drawer dweller’s filing cabinet. Yeetbot has yeeted several interns into it.
CHARLIE THE CHAIR Yeah, that’s where employees go for termination.
BEN THE Intern What?!
YEETBOT brings him a mop and bucket. DR. VICIOUS stands from her desk.
- VICIOUS Get to work, intern. Alert me when the inspector arrives.
Affirmative, Supreme Empress.
- VICIOUS exits, and BEN THE INTERN takes the mop and bucket. He approaches the filing cabinet.
CHARLIE THE CHAIR Ay, watch it, newbie. The thing that lives in that drawer doesn’t like people invading its personal space.
BEN THE INTERN I don’t know. Whatever can fit in a drawer doesn’t seem to be too dangerous.
BEN THE INTERN confidently opens the top drawer. A geyser of blood sprays out, covering the ground and BEN.
DRAWER DWELER (Uncomprehensive gurgling)
CHARLIE THE CHAIR (Laughs) I love when it does that!
YEETBOT Vocalizing enjoyment at the human’s misfortune. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
BEN THE INTERN What the hell was that?
CHARLIE THE CHAIR Hilarious, is what that was.
YEETBOT The entity inside the filing cabinet purged as a sign of distress.
CHARLIE THE Chair Better start mopping, intern. The Doc don’t like it when blood gets all over her floor.
BEN THE INTERN quickly but cautiously mops at the blood, fresh and dried. YEETBOT walks off and CHARLIE THE CHAIR continues to be a chair. YEETBOT rejoins them, carrying a wastebin.
YEETBOT dumps the trash into the shoot. It flashes with light as the incinerator is activated. BEN THE INTERN doesn’t seem bothered, as he is getting adjusted rather quickly to this strange work environment.
BEN THE INTERN So, I never heard of a mad scientist supervillain having their lab inside of an office building before.
CHARLIE THE CHAIR Yeh? What of it?
BEN THE INTERN I mean, don’t they have, like, underground facilities, orbital space stations, or volcano lairs?
CHARLIE THE CHAIR Do you know how expensive places like those cost? You got any single clue how much it costs to build a space station, or how dangerous it is to make the inside of a volcano inhabitable?
BEN THE INTERN Well, no –
CHARLIE THE CHAIR No, I thought not. No clue at all.
BEN THE INTERN But –
Charlie THE CHAIR How about you keep that know-nothing mouth shut and continue moppin’, eh?
BEN THE INTERN does so, but it’s only for a moment before he starts talking again.
BEN THE INTERN But what do we do here, really?
CHARLIE THE CHAIR Oh, Yeezus, give me strenqth.
YEETBOT That information is classified, human.
BEN THE INTERN Well, what do you guys do?
YEETBOT Yeetbot disposes of Dr. Liz vicious’s trash and enemies.
CHARLIE THE CHAIR I’m Machinations, Inc.’s head of Human Resources, dipshit.
BEN THE INTERN How much does Dr. Vicious pay you?
CHARLIE THE CHAIR
As an anatomically impaired individual, I don’t have any need for money. I do my job frea of charge:
YEETBOT Yeetbot is supposed to receive payment? DRAWER DWELLER (Loud grumbling)
Charlie THE CHAIR Oh, shove it, you blowhard. You don’t get paid squat.
DRAWER DWELLER (Ferocious roar)
CHARLIE THE CHAIR Oh, sit on me, you freak.
BEN THE INTERN Oh, great.
BEN THE INTERN continues to mop, until most of the mess is gone.
INSPECTOR DIEZ (Off Stage) Hello? Is anybody here?
CHARLIE THE CHAIR Aw hell, I think that’s the inspector.
BEN THE INTERN, panicking, gives his mop and bucket to YEETBOT, who does what it does best. Into the incinerator, they go. YEETBOT Yeet!
INSPECTOR DIEZ enters, and YEETBOT quickly exits to get DR. VICIOUS.
INSPECTOR DIEZ Hello there.
BEN THE INTERN Oh, hi.
INSPECTOR DIEZ I’m Inspector Diez, from federal lab inspection. Are you the owner of this building?
BEN THE INTERN Oh, no. I’m just the new guy.
CHARLIE THE CHAIR
Hey, baby, I can be whoever you want if you come over hear and sit on –
- VICIOUS Why, hello, hello! I am president of Machinations, Inc.
- VICIOUS enters, YEETBOT following. She shakes hands with Inspector DIEZ.
INSPECTOR DIEZ Hello, pleased to meet you. I am here to conduct the annual inspection of your lab.
- VICIOUS Oh, of course! Feel free to take a look around. I’m sure everything is perfectly up to code.
INSPECTOR DIEZ Well, I’ll be the judge of that. Did I say judge? I meant inspector.
INSPECTOR DIEZ laughs at her own joke. No one else does. They all stare at her.
YEETBOT Bad joke detected. Permission to yeet? DR. VICIOUS (Shushes YEETBOT)
INSPECTOR DIEZ steps through the lab, inspecting everything with her inspectory inspection.
INSPECTOR DIEZ There’s already a few things of note.
- Vicious Oh? Like what?
INSPECTOR DIEZ Well, this light, for starters. It’s blinking. DR. Vicious I have a guy coming in for that.
INSPECTOR VICIOUS This window is shattered, with what looks like bloody nail marks on the window sill.
- Vicious I have a guy for that.
INSPECTOR DIEZ And that filing cabinet is leaking… something.
Analysis shows mixture of 55% blood, 31% mucus, 12% oil, and 2% of an unidentified substance that even baffles Yeetbot.
DRAWER DWELLER (Guilty grumble)
- VICIOUS I thought I had a guy for that. (Glares at BEN THE INTERN)
INSPECTOR DIEZ walks over to the metal table, and tests the restraints by pulling at them.
INSPECTOR DIEZ Looks like these restraints are an inch too short for code.
- VICIOUS Any looser and people will be able to wiggle free, though.
INSPECTOR DIEZ Need I remind you of the 2014 ruling that stated that science experiments have rights?
- VICIOUS (Gritting teeth) No, of course not.
INSPECTOR DIEZ I see a lot of code violations, Dr. Vicious. I’m afraid I’ll need to open a much larger investigation, judging by this room alone.
BEN THE INTERN What does that mean?
INSPECTOR DIEZ If Machinations, Inc. cannot bring its standards up to code, then I will be forced to close its doors.
CHARLIE THE CHAIR What?!
- VICIOUS Gasp!
BEN THE INTERN Now listen, ma’am. I have only been working here for (Checks watch) nine minutes, but you can’t just shut down Machinations. I know Dr. Vicious might seem eccentric, but she has already put the fear of God in me at least three times within the time I’ve been inside this building. She seems like a competent villainess, and I know she can do terrible, terrible things with a lab like this one. You can’t just kick her out.
That was very kind, intern. Unexpected, but kind. YEETBOT Sadness protocol activated. Tears engaged. Wah. Wah. Wah.
INSPECTOR DIEZ A touching sentiment, sir, but I don’t know what you want me to do about it.
BEN THE INTERN looks around for a moment, before getting an idea.
BEN THE INTERN You could start by coming over here and taking a look at this filing cabinet.
- VICIOUS grins maniacally. Lights fade out. DRAWER JWELLER lets out an eager growl. End Scene.